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The Struggle for Balance: A Journey of Acceptance and Surrender

Lately, I've found myself in a completely freaked-out state, feeling like I'm in full alarm mode when things seem off. It's a familiar cycle for me, and it's often why I write about balance, acceptance, and surrender. The truth is, these are the very things I need to hear myself. Even though the words pour out onto the page, they don't always resonate with me as deeply as I'd like.

If it's just a "meh" kind of day, I can usually quiet the voices telling me that I need to figure out what's going on with me. But after that, the spiral begins. I go into "fix-it" mode, asking myself what I need to change in my life. Then come the impulsive decisions, radical restrictions, and a meticulously crafted plan to regain control.

Impulsive Decisions: A Quick Dopamine Hit

For me, impulsive decisions are anything that gives me a quick dopamine hit. It might be shopping, signing up for a new class, race, or activity—anything that feels like it will provide that instant sense of fulfillment. These choices often seem like solutions in the moment but can leave me feeling even more ungrounded in the long run.

Radical Restrictions: The Food Connection

Then there are the radical restrictions, which almost always revolve around food. It's my way of trying to regain control when everything feels chaotic. But these restrictions often end up being more of a reaction to the chaos rather than a genuine solution.

The Plan: Structure Amidst Chaos

Finally, there's the plan—a way to structure my life around these impulsive decisions and radical restrictions. This plan gives me a sense of calm and control, even though deep down, I know life is inherently full of ups and downs. It's normal not to feel amazing every day, and sometimes there's no specific reason for it—or certainly no fault on my part—yet, I still feel responsible.

Finding Calm Amidst the Storm

I know I'm in this freaked-out state, but there's a sense of calm because I've put all these things in motion. It's my attempt to force control over life, even though I recognize the importance of acceptance and surrender.

I've been transparent with my struggles before in this community, and I know some of you appreciate it. It's not fair to only display the highlights of my life, especially when I genuinely feel gratitude for all that I have. But it's equally important to acknowledge how I feel inside, even when those feelings are messy and imperfect.

A friend recently told me she looks at me and sees someone who has their life together. I assure you, we're all figuring it out, no matter how it might look from the outside.

Embracing the Journey

In sharing this, I hope to remind myself and others that life is a journey filled with highs and lows. We don't have to have it all figured out. We just need to be kind to ourselves and remember that it's okay to feel off sometimes.

Peace and love to all of you who walk this journey alongside me. Together, we can embrace the ups and downs and find beauty in the balance.

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